Aurora’s moxie
(Read the very first post as an introduction to this post)
Moxie is not only a place, but a part of the soul. Once you have been visited by moxie and made it through, it never leaves you. It is the fuel that keeps our souls from never burning out. It is also a place and process of unimaginable growth, but also the deepest level of grief – the death of the ego, the rebirth of the spirit.
Moxie is a place many are being asked to enter, a soul-wrenching quest with all the twists and turns of a sci-fi fairytale. However, it is happening inside you and not outside of you. The struggle to resist the death and the rebirth, can tear anyone apart. I believe that everyone will enter this place in their own way and own time. It does not have to be dramatic but the more the resistance the more it will hurt, tear, and claw you to shreds. Resisting the moxie of your own spirit will cost you deeply as it leads to thoughts of…
“ I can’t live like this anymore.”
The ego will trick you into thinking that it means you have to die, to perish, to give in and leave this existence. The ego is selfish and does not want to die alone, it will try to take it with you. It has of course been your protector, the one you reached to for years. However, your soul is calling, and it is ready to lead you now, but your ego must die. How does an ego die? It dies when it is not listened to and not given power over you. How do you not listen to it? You have to start listening to and following your heart.
For me following my heart is the same as following my intuition. The answers come from inside my soul and my body, not my head. My ego ruled my head and led me for 29 years. My ego lost its final battle when I was 35. This is when I started to follow my heart and stopped listening to the naysayer in my head. My spirit was reborn and I had found my moxie!
I had traveled through unimaginable pain, anguish, anxiety and depression to realize the true moxie and strength of my own spirit. This is sadly not the first time, however. I went through this journey once before and completely alone between the ages of 14-15. My spirit got me through and showed me how strong I actually was. It showed me my moxie. It did it again at the age of 35, but the process started at 29 when my grandma died. My world cracked and I started to let the light shine out. I held it back as long as I could, letting little bits of light out one ray at a time.
The light, the moxie inside me was so strong, it physically and emotionally ached to hold it in. The façade and identity I had built up started to crack, it was more painful to try to keep it contained then to let it out. I tried letting it out a little at a time from when I was 29-35, but it wasn’t enough. Thus, when I was 35, my ego could not hold my soul back anymore, and it tore my façade apart. I wanted so much to give up as I endured the most heart wrenching awakening alone. I met grief that was almost insurmountable. I met anxiety that twisted me up in knots squeezing me so tight, I could barely breath at times. In those moments, alone, I gave up or rather gave in to the process. I did not realize the loss of control was exactly what I needed. It was also the scariest place to be, because I could only trust me! My ego writhed in pain, anxiety, grief and despair, asking me over and over to end it. Asking me to die with it, in solidarity. Asking me to hold on and sacrifice my life for it.
“But I couldn’t...”
My soul was calling, my heart was healing, my breath was unwinding and untangling me. The more I gave in to the process and stopped resisting, the quicker the death of the ego came and the quicker my soul started to shine. I was honestly scared of my own power when I first felt it. When I felt my moxie for the first time, I thought it was a panic attack or a caffeine high. I could feel this power in my chest, and it thumped loudly. I could hear it in my ears, like beating drums. It was a low, strong and steady vibration. It was grounded and rooted, but not in the earth – but in me.
I started to feel the difference in my body between the anxiety and my moxie. The anxiety was initiated by my thoughts and started in and around my head and then would swirl and take hold around my throat and my chest, like a cobra squeezing me from the outside. However, the moxie was also painful in the start, but mostly because it was pushing me in the directions I needed to go, it was courageous. Courage is not without fear, which is why it can be confused as anxiety. Courage feels like fear because it wants you to follow your heart, which is different than following your head. Usually following your heart means moving out of a comfort zone, it means defying what others wish and want of you and moving towards what you NEED for yourself. It takes courage and the feel of moxie is not without some anxiety, however, it is more like that fear you get when you take a risk you enjoy. For me, the exhilarating fear of a rollercoaster brings this to mind.
At the same time there is a strength to the moxie, it is grounded in me, it drums and seethes from my core in my body. From my throat to my sacral plexus especially between my heart and my solar plexus. It sometimes burns but mostly burning off the fear. It moves from the inside out and activates, while anxiety moves from the outside in and strangles or entangles me. The moxie wants to propel me, while the anxiety wants to stop me.
It has taken me a long time to FEEL the difference in my body; moxie might be experienced differently in yours. For me, it is this bodily knowing that enables me to stop and listen to where the fear is coming from. Is it my own moxie pushing me, or my anxiety holding me back? It is not always easy to understand and takes acts of courage to feel your way through and back to your intuitive knowing.
Finding your moxie is not easy, it not always a journey that is wholesome, soft, or gentle. Finding your courageous spirit, your moxie, means you must take on fear, grief, and the death of your own ego.
“I wish it was easier, but then if it was, it wouldn’t be moxie.”
